It’s been a little while since I wrote a proper blog post on how I am feeling, what I’m up to, and how things are going in general, so I thought I would do that now. You might have noticed that my blog schedule has been a bit erratic for the last month or so, and usually I keep to a really tight posting regime, but things have just been a bit all over the place, especially with family and personal life, but that I wont share on the blog as it’s not directly related to myself.
If you have followed me for a long time, you will know that I have spoken openly a lot about anxiety and how it’s been a big part of my life since I can remember. It used to be so crippling that I couldn’t even leave the house at points without having panic attacks and I couldn’t even speak to strangers, be in crowds, anything like that… it was a very dark place. I’ve worked hard on tackling that anxiety though to try and live a more ‘normal’ lifestyle over the years, and push myself outside of my comfort zone to try and achieve things I didn’t think I could.
The past two months or so I have really been pushing myself out of my boundaries and trying to grow even more, gaining confidence. One thing I was able to do, which I never thought I would do, is travel alone. One of my best friends (who I have known online for 3 years) was getting married and this was my opportunity to meet him finally, and attend his wedding. I took the train, by myself, to Birmingham New Street from Bath, and I was terrified. I hadn’t ever travelled alone before because I was always worried about something happening to me, and one of the worst things did happen to me before I left. I got a nose bleed (which has been a fear from my childhood as I used to end up in hospital with them) and I was extremely close to not going, but I forced myself to, and I did it. I know this may seem like a normal thing to just travel on your own, but for someone who has had a life of ill health and really bad anxiety related to that, it’s actually a pretty big deal. I hadn’t felt that sick and scared in years though, it wasn’t easy, I was feeling absolutely dreadful before I went, and I struggled to eat for most of the day, but I still did it. I enjoyed myself at the wedding and I was proud of myself for achieving what I did.
Another thing Adam and I have been doing is photoshoots for House of Cavani. We got to do a really cool one last week with Calum Best (who is wonderful by the way, really down to earth and a genuinely nice guy) and that was amazing. Spending the day with him and both of us taking photos for the company was so good. We have done shoots like this with Digby Edgley from Made in Chelsea before, but this Calum one was really unique and different, and so enjoyable. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing anything like this a couple of years ago, especially since I didn’t do very well in social situations, let alone taking photos and chatting normally to someone very well known, so I’ve definitely grown a huge amount in my confidence lately. I’ve just been trying to say yes to things more, not really think about them, just do them, and go with the flow. I’m finding opening my mind more like this is key.
I’m also a lot more confident with my body now too, I know I gained some weight about a year ago and then I lost a little bit too, but I’m very happy where I am at. I’ve always been pretty self conscious, like most of us are, but honestly I have learned to love yourself and your body. You only get this one to live your journey here on earth, so treat it with respect and kindness. You don’t have another one so you need to be best friends with your body in order to live your life to its fullest.
Anyway, all of this leads me to what I want to do next. I want to try and move into film/acting in some way. I always used to love it as a kid, really love it, and I used to do small acting roles (one of them was for a friends college project years ago and you can see that on YouTube by clicking here), but I’ve always had a passion for it and would tell anyone who wanted to listen that I wanted to be an actress. Since I lost all my confidence though and got crippled with anxiety so badly, it was something I always thought that I couldn’t do because I didn’t have the confidence to anymore, but that’s changing a lot now and I feel like I’m ready to take acting lessons and start going down that route. For so long I haven’t known what I wanted to do, I’ve always had dreams, but never thought they were possible, and now I feel like I am ready for these next steps. I have a lot of figuring things out to do, but I’m sure I will get there. I’m excited for this journey and to see where it ends up. I was watching the film set in Bath yesterday for Bridgerton, which is a new Netflix production with Julie Andrews, and being on the set like that, watching the filming, just everything about it made me feel alive again, so I know it’s where I need to be! Are any of you into acting?
A few more steps first though and that’s to keep travelling alone, for more things, actually get on a plane and fly somewhere. I know I keep talking about that but I’m terrified of the pressure in my head and ears because I don’t regulate pressure changes properly, so if anyone has any tips for this, please do tell me as I would love to have as much flying advice as possible. Do the ear plugs work for regulating pressure? I’m going to go to Paris first as it’s easy to take the Eurostar back if things don’t go to plan with the flying. So yeah, these are all plans for next year! I’d love to hear what you’re doing to tackle your own anxiety and confidence issues too! Lorna xx.