I know it’s been a little while since I did a health or life update, pretty much 2 months to be exact, and to tell the truth, I wasn’t going to do one as I always thought sharing this stuff was boring and you’d probably get tired of it by now, plus I didn’t want to sound like I needed people to feel sorry for me or that I was moaning about life. I know there are people out there that are much worse off than I am, as well as people who are full of health, but I also know that there’s no competition when it comes to health as we’re all entirely different and we experience things in our own way, so while one thing might seem trivial to someone else, it could be a mountain for another to climb. I’ve asked on my IG stories (it’s easy to use the 24 hour poll there) twice now about these types of posts and the last poll won by a landslide when asked if you wanted more health updates (it was around 80% yes), so that’s what I’m doing for you now. If you do want to read my previous health posts, click here.
As I’m always open and honest with all of you, I’m not going to lie. These last few months have been a struggle. Often at times I feel like I’m failing and I’m going to have to quit blogging because I can’t give it the dedication it needs as it’s 24/7 (gosh knows how I would live then), but when I was watching one of my favourite shows ‘Dr. Christian Will See You Now’, I heard him say something to a patient who had said she failed and he said ‘You haven’t failed, you have just found it difficult’ and this actually really resonated with me. When I look back at my blog and how far I’ve come from nothing, all on my own, now in my third year of being self employed and actually having created a business for myself – I haven’t failed. I just really am finding it difficult to juggle every single aspect alone and to focus on my health when there’s days I can’t get out of bed. It’s definitely hard, but it’s not something that I’m just accepting and letting win.
I think when it comes to fashion bloggers there’s a misconception that they all live a lavish lifestyle of travel and luxury, but it couldn’t be further from the truth for me. That’s not realistic and I don’t like the idea that it’s portrayed that way and people get sucked into that being reality, when it’s not. I live at home in my mum’s house, I pay my way. Money is an issue to be able to earn enough and actually save up to be able to live with Adam and get married. The way the government is these days makes it so difficult to get on the property ladder and just to live in general because of money. That’s gone slightly off track, but this is the reason why I feel like I’ve failed sometimes. I feel like because I haven’t got the luxury (almost for camera lifestyle) that other bloggers have, I haven’t done it right and people aren’t as interested. I’m glad I’ve realised that mine is reality though, what’s curated and edited for camera is not.
Then I feel like if I had my health, things might be different. I’d have more confidence, I’d have more energy to do the things I want to do without worrying. I can barely go out to eat at a restaurant (there’s two I can safely eat in) without having anxiety because I can’t eat hardly anything. It impacts my life in every way, especially if I’m going out. I’m mostly talking about my stomach and the issues there because food has become such a chore and a problem. I’m on a super strict elimination diet right now and it’s just bland food of brown rice, sweet potato, gluten free oats for carbs. Fish, chicken or nuts for protein. Certain vegetables which don’t cause bloating, and certain fruits. I have to eat the cabs and protein together though and the fruit has to go with nuts so I’m not spiking my blood sugar. There’s no refined sugar, nothing processed, no sauces (unless made fresh) so I wont lie, it’s tough, I’ve been close to breaking and I feel so restricted, but I’m trying to work out if there’s certain foods that are causing me issues and I haven’t realised. I’m still taking my Symprove and my supplements. Since starting this elimination diet I’ve noticed an improvement in my stomach, until today, when I woke up and it was all swollen and painful again and making me feel sick. I’ve done nothing food wise to trigger that response, so it frustrates me.
I know before when I mentioned the endoscopy, a lot of you messaged me and told me that I have to have it, which is also the reason I’ve been reluctant to write another health update as I’m leaving the endoscopy on the shelf for now because I can’t handle it. I don’t think I put across last time how beyond terrified I am and how sedation is not possible because of the needle phobia, I feel sick and shaky even thinking about it, so it’s not an option. I feel like it wouldn’t show up anything anyway and would just put me back at square one (so don’t send any emails about having it done for now). Then I wonder if the swollen lump is just a gas build up as I get it in the mornings. It swells right up and causes me pain, sometimes doubled over, right in my small intestine or stomach, and I feel sick. This did all subside when I had anti-biotics before, so I’m beginning to wonder if the SIBO has come back. Since the NHS take months and months for tests and appointments, and I’ve literally run out of funds (you might have noticed I’ve not bought anything new (except a hat and gloves) since October and that’s going to continue into the new year), I can’t afford to go private anymore either.
I’m still working with Lucy the Naturopath and she’s really sweet, helping me with the elimination diet and my anxiety because I’ve been through so much since I was a child that my anxiety levels are too high and causing issues, and I do feel like I’ve made a lot of improvements there with how I handle stress and problems. I’m a lot calmer than I was and a lot more relaxed, but it’s still a working progress every single day. I also saw a rheumatologist on the NHS about my Ehlers Danlos as I was told I had that many years ago by a qualified physio as I have all the symptoms of the Hypermobile type, but he said because my skin didn’t stretch 5 cm or more and I didn’t have bruises on me at the time, I didn’t have Ehlers Danlos and was just Hypermobile (I score 9/9 on the Beighton scale and have been referred for physio which wont be until February).
Now this has confused me to no end. All my other symptoms were dismissed (I will save this for another post) and I’ve also read that just because one person doesn’t have super stretchy skin, doesn’t mean they don’t have it because there’s varying degrees. There’s apparently a lot of Ehlers Danlos patients without the stretchy skin or who have it mild like me. There’s a proper specialist in London that I want to see and he’s the top in his field for the condition, but unfortunately his fees are expensive and over £300 just for a consultation. So that’s out of the question at the moment due to funds, but I am beginning to wonder if everything is down to having Ehlers Danlos overall because of everything else I suffer with which I don’t really speak about. I know there’s no cure for it, but I also know it has a huge impact on digestion because of the Hypermobility. If there are any of you out there clued up on Ehlers Danlos and know a lot about it, I would definitely love any input on that.
So this is where I am at the current moment. I’m no closer to getting better and I’m sort of still stuck in limbo. My energy levels are not great, some days I feel really down, I’m suffering migraines a lot due to hormone changes and sugar elimination, I’m just generally exhausted. The cold doesn’t help. I did manage to shoot as many outfit posts as I can already, so I’m set up until the end of January now with outfit content, so I can try and stay warm as much as possible. I don’t know if it’s the cold, but my asthma has also come back. I had asthma for years as a child, but it went away, but recently I was coughing a lot, struggling to walk stairs without being able to catch my breath and having such a tight chest. I went to the GP about it and found out that’s come back, so I’ve got inhalers again. So in all honesty, I feel like I just can’t catch a break. I’m not 100% sure if I passed a kidney stone a few weeks back either because it felt like weeing glass, I had back ache, it throbbed and burned for hours and I was sweaty. I don’t know what that was, but it wasn’t a nice experience.
I am trying to stay as positive and as happy as I can. After reading this back it makes it sound like I’m in despair and I’m not all of the time. I get days where I get very fed up and frustrated by not knowing what’s wrong, but then other days I can just get on with it. I am made happy by the smallest things like the fake snow in Southgate, cuddles from animals, funny things on TV, I’m not depressed as I know what that’s like. My cystitis has mostly cleared up though and I’m wondering if that’s because I’ve eliminated any foods that aggravated it, and I actually had a period this week without agonizing cramps that I usually have. So I know there are certain foods that my body is very bothered by and I need to understand what those are fully, but the rest isn’t related to food. I’m going to bring this to a close now as I will just go on waffling, but in a way it feels like a relief to speak about it all and get it out in the open and tell you all that everything isn’t perfect and wonderful, but I’m trying to make the best of the situation as I can. I’m very grateful to all of you for the support and love that you give me on a daily basis, you’re all like my online friends and community, which I appreciate so much. Thank you for listening. Lorna xx.