I don’t know where to begin with this post as I wasn’t sure that I should even write it, but I feel like in order to move on, I’m one of those people that has to get it off my chest and clear my head, which leads me to writing this at gone 2am in the morning. I don’t usually share these types of posts with you as I always try to keep things inspirational and motivational, trying to help others and keep positive, but there’s never any room for lies in my life and the truth is – I have been struggling.
These past two months have been a crazy roller coaster ride of a journey for me and it’s not been a good one. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stress in my life from others as well as a huge amount of health issues to contend with and it’s been a big struggle for me. Some days there have been tears, some there have been a lot of pent up anger and sadness, and other days, I’m ok. I’ve learned in life that being an empath definitely comes with its challenges and because I absorb and take on other peoples emotions (even from well acted films), it’s hard to be around anyone who isn’t positive, especially when I’m trying so hard myself.
Health wise, things haven’t been so easy for me as I’m still having a lot of stomach issues and I’ve had some set backs with my M.E as well because of the cold weather. I’ve had some temporary paralysis relapses, I’ve even had a lot of mental fog which has impacted my work too, and with my blood test results showing up an abnormally large amount of prolactin, it was questioned whether or not I had a tumour on my pituitary gland. This has been weighing on my mind as I was suffering from a lot of the symptoms as well, so I ended up having an MRI done on my brain last week, which has been incredibly emotional. It’s not something I have shared with anyone except those close to me, but I received the results from that fairly quickly and thankfully everything is ok. The abnormal amounts of prolactin were from the extreme stress I was under during the blood test as I’m extremely needle phobic and get hysterical with blood tests.
I’m taking a Vitamin D supplement as we found out I’m quite low in that, which I think might have helped my stomach a little bit actually, but one of the things I can’t seem to shake is the weight gain. I’ve never really been vocal about my weight in how much I weigh, but some months ago towards the beginning of this year I weighed 9 stone exactly, but weight has been creeping up on me and I’ve gained an extra 8 or so pounds on top of that and that’s difficult to deal with. I don’t know the reason why I am gaining weight steadily, it could be the medication, it could be something else (no, I’m not pregnant), and I know 8 pounds doesn’t seem like much to some people, but to me it’s a big deal. My stomach is always sticking out the majority of the time as it’s constantly bloated, I can barely ever button my jeans anymore, and I am struggling to fit my smaller clothes now. When you’re a fashion blogger and your career is based around denim and clothing, that is not good.
While I do realise that’s an incredibly vain and shallow thing to say, most of us care about our looks and when something on us is changing that we have no control over and don’t understand why, it’s extremely stressful and upsetting, especially when it’s making you feel self conscious. I’m just extremely happy that it’s winter right now and it requires a lot of layers so I can hide under them until this is figured out. You guys have no idea how hard I had to breathe in in my Miss Captain America costume to stop myself from looking like a Telly Tubby. Going from someone who is usually very body confident and happy with who they are to someone who doesn’t even recognise themselves in the mirror anymore is not an easy change.
I’ve had an incredibly packed up work schedule as well so I feel like I haven’t been able to write this post and share it with you properly because I’ve been so wrapped up in other content, and even though this month of November is booked up as well, I’m fitting this in as I need to get it out, to you. You all feel like my extended family and since you follow me so regularly, I feel it’s only fair that you know I’m not some incredibly strong woman who manages to juggle everything and be so positive all the time. I aspire to be that woman, but I struggle. I’m apologising to those around me if I’ve been short and snappy towards them when I’m dealing with the anger as that’s not usually my normal behaviour, but I came to the realisation that there’s no room for hatred, anger, and sadness in my heart anymore. There just isn’t. I have full control over my life with most things, and those that I don’t, I make the best of, so I’m kicking my own self up the butt to snap out of it.
I am in no way looking for sympathy at all, and that’s not why I’m writing this post. This is something that’s been ongoing for 8 weeks now and I thought it was something that I could just let go of and deal with on my own, but as it turns out, it’s always in the back of my head now even though I have gotten a little bit better emotionally and am a lot happier at the moment. It’s always still there because I don’t have that ability to lie and I feel like I’m keeping a secret from you all if I’m not making you aware that things aren’t ok at the moment. I guess you could call that a selfish reason to make this post as I need to type it all out to clear my head, but it would also be selfish of me not to and to continue on this downward spiral as I feel a lot of my posts have been lacking in personality.
I had thought about taking a break from blogging as the constant photo shoots, planning what to wear all the time, not being able to just go out on the weekends with Adam without worrying about a photo shoot etc was taking its toll on me badly because I didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with it all and I started to resent my work. That might come as a shock to you as it did to me because blogging is my passion and my life, so I knew things were bad when I didn’t have any care towards it. I was a finalist in the Cosmopolitan Influencer Awards 2016 for Content Of The Year (last week) and I wasn’t worried whether I won or not, and I never went to the awards ceremony. That’s really when I ultimately knew something is very wrong with me and I’ve been trying to get better because to not care about something I’m so passionate about wasn’t right.
Everything about blogging was stressing me out as I didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with it on top of everything else. Even the usual things I get, like companies wanting to work with you and then never replying to you again no matter how many times you email, even after you worked out the invoice together, they just vanish. I’m very used to this kind of thing as well as when others want to use you just because you have a blog, it comes with the territory (most PR people are lovely though), but this was all adding to my anger and my upset and only making it worse, making me want to give everything up and sit in a tree. I needed calm, quiet, peace. It was like my body was being inhabited by someone completely new and it was such a horrible feeling. I was ending up on a downward spiral on self sabotage mode, but luckily as I don’t drink alcohol or go to parties etc, I’ve never taken to anything recreational to numb it, so I’ve had to let it run its course.
I’m ready to write this post to you all now because I am currently on my journey forward again, looking back at this and trying to get better. My health will always have issues and I fully understand that, and some days will be better than others, but I have to remember that I am the leading lady in my own life’s movie (to reference The Holiday) and I am the one in charge of that. I need to learn to try and keep that feeling and any time something tries to grab me and turn me into someone I’m not again, I need to shake that off as fast as I can as I can’t let it overtake me. I’m avoiding certain things and situations which I know hinder my emotions in strong ways as they are incredibly intense, and I’m trying to only surround myself with positivity. Thank goodness it’s almost Christmas and there’s movies on all the time, and the worry of the MRI is over. I hope I can get fully back to myself as I’m finding my way back home to me. Lorna xx.
P.S. – What do you think about me having a page on my blog which is entirely separate from content, but would be used as more of a diary/updates page? A page in which I could write what I’m feeling and anything going on, which those of you who are interested can read by clicking a link in the menu? A bit more of a personal page and you can comment and speak to me there based on what I write?